non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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