Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize