I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
