How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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