just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
