were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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