living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Are my feet made of real feet?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
