Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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