Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We named our party play list daddy issues
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
