giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
