I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
