does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
