Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
