i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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