so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
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