too bad you live with your parents still
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
