i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
