My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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