If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
