When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You pole danced in your parka.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
