Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
