Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
