i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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