i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
