some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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