The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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