I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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