Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize