as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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