The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
