I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
