iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
