my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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