Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I smell like Dick and happiness
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