Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize