life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
