I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
