I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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