I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I checked into jail on foursquare
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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