Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He kissed a someone with a penis
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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