You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
