got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
