I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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