just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
