I cannot find my penis.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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