I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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