I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
