My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
