You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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