Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
