The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
