Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
