I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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