this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize