Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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