I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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