letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i think we sleep fucked last night...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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