I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
