I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
