I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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