Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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