I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
